unemployed and well fed

Been awhile here, kinda nervous.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like wanting to blog like the good ol’ days. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had many sporadic attempts at a restart throughout the years, but alas, my old blogs have continued to be in private mode. So while this feeling could somehow be another fleeting one, I want to hold on to it for as long as I can, hence, a new post. :)

2 weeks before the year 2025 ended, I was unfortunately laid off from what I believed was the perfect work-from-home setup for me. It was also a few days before flying to the U.S., to spend a few months with my dad. Devastated was an understatement. Perplexed have quickly became my prime frame of mind. Suddenly all my plans have become a thing of the past, even before it happened.

Now, the concept of being let go is new water territory—learning how to swim with the current made my arms tired. And as a creature of habit, the disruption in my routine made navigating through my feelings difficult. There was a kind-of silver lining though, being away from home made me feel it wasn’t as real as it actually was. In this situation, it was a chance to try and reframe my mind into thinking, “I’m just currently in a very long vacation.". It worked most of the time but being human also meant having to face what’s been quietly existing on the back of my head. Finding a middle ground was annoying.

life lately <3

So apart from pretending he past few months was spent enjoying long walks in the freezing weather (I honestly believe I thrive in winter lol), trying new snacks from trader joe’s and whole foods, and spending my daily allowance from my dad in Sephora. I’ve no job and yet, retail therapy is still what keeps me going. (I’m working on it, I promise!)

So yeah, this currently is the second longest I've been unemployed and while I never ever forget it, I'm reminded just how much I'm surrounded by love and support. And how being in this position is a privilege I will not take for granted. xx

the importance of shifting

no inspiration came for any of my attempt to finish my illustrations but once i decided to go back to my first love, everything flowed. the importance of shifting—especially if one feels stuck, so good for the mind and soul.

 

departures

[ 2019.03.11 ]

i haven’t been thinking about it until i looked at the calendar and realized how close it’s getting. i didn’t want it to feel real just yet but reality catches up fast and ready to fucking slap you back in. when i think about not seeing my dad as easy as what we’re used to, i get nothing but a lump in my throat. i silently become an emotional mess.

lately he’s been taking old photos of when we were kids with my ipad, which he will be bringing with him in virginia. i don’t ask why, in case his reply makes me choke in my own damn tears. i just think maybe he wants to show them to my grandparents to which i know they will love. i’m 26 now but the amount of recollections i have with my grandparents can be counted by the number of my stubby fingers so yes, an abundance of photos is substantial. just a while ago he asked me how to turn a photo upside down in my ipad so i showed him how easy it was.

i don’t think much about the inevitable times we might need our superman’s help because i know we will, most especially since he’s been doing it with flying colors. i only fret upon the future times where he will need our help and we won’t be easily called. i don’t plan on letting selfishness reign. he is our father but he is also our grandparents’ son and the emphatic daughter in me feels that on a deeper level. i just think about their long overdue reunion and it gives me the kind of euphoria that makes all my typical fears seem somewhat tiny.

[ 2019.03.15 ]

tonight i helped him pack efficiently, his rejoice on the space we saved compared to how he packed it makes this all bittersweet. it’s the tiny things you know. as i roll every piece of clothing he decided to bring, i flutter my eyes to stop the tears.

living for solitude

These days i find myself preferring to rather enjoy my own company—too much to the point where it gets alarming how i don’t like being in a place with a lot of people (i never did anyway but i just prefer alone time so much more now ??). Today i found myself wanting to go away, whilst i don’t have the luxury of time to go far, i do have the luxury of living near the mountains—this is where my love for Montalban comes parading. I wanted to escape the hustle of the city this time.

Right after buying food for our dogs, i went on a mini #adventure. Barely 5 minutes away from our subdivision and i already feel like i’m in a different city. Going just under 30 mph, deeper to the mountains, my windows down and the cold wind gives me subtle embraces of cheer—the kind my soul needs. Following a road i’ve only been in twice in my lifetime and driving in it for the first time is the kind of cheap thrills i covet. And so i pushed and pushed until i’m at the entrance of Wawa Dam and Mt. Pamitinan—hikers and cyclers and families on their way to enjoy their Sunday.

I stopped for a while, just watching people, and the animals, and the trees and, the clouds—just observing. And it made me think that amidst all the chaos of the quarter life crisis, the bad cases of FOMO and the hunger of wanting more (instead of needing it), it really is the littlest of things that matter. And so i dug deep within me and told myself that it may take time for me to let go of all my greed, i know something better will replace it. It took me a while to be open with #vulnerability, i thought if i show even the slightest hint of weakness, i’d be a wimp. But the nakedness helped me patch myself up and deal with my #anxiety much better—for all the inevitable ways of life breaking me open, i’m ready to stitch myself back always. All i needed was a 20-minute drive of solitude and i’m okay now. That’s not much to ask for, i think.

FIG 1: to be true

This all feels too foreign to me now, this site, this keyboard, the sound of me typing—I had told myself somewhere between the last two years to just start writing true—to stop leaving behind details or scratching the surface clean. But alas, this girl, as she always do, have been defeated by fear and crumpled with anxiety that she hasn't written anything genuine or even remotely constructive for the last year but rather just a number of unfinished attempts to nurse a broken heart. Here's another one of those. See, i'm getting there.

* * *

So where do i start? The last year has been crazy, intense, wonderful, beautiful, sad, all kinds of adjectives, good and bad. I read somewhere that people are able to write the truest when they are sad—i guess I'm not one of those people. When i found myself crippled to an almost death with self-loath, I tried to put my feelings into words but my hand remained in pause and my mind caught up in jumble of lousy words—perhaps in a sly state of declination. I have so many drafts in this blog that i couldn't publish because i was scared. And so that started my long relationship with unwritten words.

You see, even if I knew I wasn't okay, I didn't want to be a burden. I was mum about it, because i thought the more people know, the more it has to be true, and i was still in a place of complete denial then. But if there's one thing more constant in this world, that's curiosity, right? No matter how much I want to hide it (and I think i did so well with that), the cut turned out to be deeper than I realized...

  ...I needed to be honest with myself, I was heart broken.

(Thankfully, the waves hugged me back.)

(This is the sea during low tide. We walked and followed it's trail.)

#33 / 030515 Remember that day--
my heart was torn and we went to the beach and watched the sea? I let the waves hug my feet and every time they go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, they took pieces of me i wanted to leave behind.

* * * * *

A year late but here's more photos from Gerald's birthday trip at One Laiya, Batangas. This happened after just a brief shuteye! I woke up and looked out and saw the sea, being playful. Ha! Apologies for not sharing its wonder too soon. But pictures doesn't give any justice to how beautiful and wonderful this body of seawater is. Because anywhere with seawater is beautiful to me! Thank you for hugging me back. :)

tiny victories

( LEARNING THE ART OF BALANCE AND WELL, BREAKFAST. )

I. Monday, i had a full 8 hours of sleep - just in time for my alarm to go off, i woke up from my darling trance (a.k.a. i have new bed-sheets and i cleaned my apartment that night) rather invigorated and not the usual 'can i have another 20 minutes to sleep in' or the absurd and wistful thinking 'can the time stop for another hour' response from sleeping in late.

II. The sun's streak of light already made its way through my window and onto the end of my bed as shadows danced and danced and danced and waved 'good morning!'. I sat up and admired the fusion of the morning warmth and last night's breezy wind, playing with my toes as they wrestle each other while i stretch every bone and muscle in my body, just in case they needed a little more drive to start the morning.

III. Surprisingly, after showering, i still had ample time to cook my breakfast, so i put my electric stove on and cooked a good chunk of spicy chicken breast strips i prepared the night before. My mouth curves into a smile - well this is rare. I finally get to cook and eat breakfast and not just rely on a twenty-peso siopao my office-mate sells. I eat my spicy chicken in between getting myself ready for work and watching another episode of Running Man.

IV. 9:00 says the clock and i shock myself, am i really done with all my morning rituals? I stepped out my apartment, my footsteps light and dynamic. I didn't had to drag my legs to move forward one after another. Step, step, step, take a turn, admire the sun. 5 minutes later, i arrived at the office, already with a smile painted on my face, well and ready to share this fantastic spirit and energy within me to people i work with. I wasn't late for the first time again in a long, long time.

V. Underneath my table is a tiny box of drawers. I pulled the first one, grabbed a packet of cafe blanca and started my 10-hours with a hot cuppa of delicious white coffee. It's amazing what a good night's sleep and a breakfast can do to a person's attitude towards the day. 22 years of living and probably 6 years of struggling mornings have i only completely realized the importance of a good breakfast. My electricity might go (a little) up because of cooking on a electric stove everyday but what the hell, i love breakfasts!

So to sum it up:

1. Cleaned my apartment.
2. Changed my bed-sheets.
3. Had a good night's sleep.
4. Woke up early.
5. Had a healthy breakfast.
6. Was NOT late for work. 

Ah, tiny victories! Today, i'm a champion.

here's to an aching back

2014.9.16

My back and legs are aching for being cramped on a car most of the time today but hey, a day outside the house should be appreciated. Today has been extremely tiring--got woken up by a phone call from my mother at 5 in the morning telling me to get up and get ready. Now, like most people, i am not, AT ALL, a morning person so i fell asleep right after the phone call and woke up an hour later. That and plus, my head getting tampered with an endless stream of unwanted thoughts. Somehow they keep managing to enter through the tiniest holes. Getting trapped in an eternity of what seemed like parked cars in traffic and a hungry stomach begging for food almost took it's toll and i could have joined in but oh well papel, i had to put the fire out.

- - - - -

I will be back to apartment hunting this week. Forever sighing for expensive yet tiny apartments. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. What more, i'm doing the inevitable conceding of letting feelings, both positive and negative saturate themselves by giving them a nod. What's new. Typical me. One minute i'm happy, excited, anxious then the next second i'm afraid, hazy, insecure until i'm left with nothing but uncertainty and not knowing what to feel. I am anticipating. I am uneasy. I could use one of them songs about that girl being hot and cold and happy and sad. Setting aside my worries for now, chin up miss.

mind sabotage

A few weeks after my birthday and the thought of being 22 slowly started sinking in. I admire people who aren't afraid to take a leap and live without worries, or at least not let their worries totally destroy themselves. The most interesting people for me are the ones who are deranged and strange and curious. I slept most of the time today, roughly escaping the current grim reality through brief shuteyes. This is where my fondness for wandering comes in. At least when i'm far away, i get to forget the things that makes me mad and paranoid and futile, ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And i focus on making the most out of what life has to offer and that regrets are only life lessons learned, even if sometimes, the hard way.

When i started blogging, i was just solely tippy tappy typing in great details of what has happened in my day, sometimes in bullets. Some entries from my diary when i was 9 mostly consists of melancholic telling of how i feel when my mom flies in and out the country for work, how i got scolded for crying when someone teases me and how wearing a new dress made me feel beautiful. All those in a silly handwriting and my 9 yr old signature at the end. Now, i (try to) write deeper and express further. Turning my memories into poetry or prose is demanding but i like that doing so, it strips me down to nakedness. And then i slowly comply... slowly adjust,,, slowly adapt... that life for me won't happen if i don't make it happen. And that i won't get to write and tell and share stories if i stay motionless and buried in my own insecurities. 

So even when diffidence and confusion and all kinds of destroying feelings show up hand in hand, i will still be taking steps en route to life. It will be one hell of a journey but i will not forget to write and remember.

And i will not forget to live,

foggy mountains, laguna, aug 2014

new *pretty* footwear

my own fluffy pup slash bear, booey