here's to an aching back

2014.9.16

My back and legs are aching for being cramped on a car most of the time today but hey, a day outside the house should be appreciated. Today has been extremely tiring--got woken up by a phone call from my mother at 5 in the morning telling me to get up and get ready. Now, like most people, i am not, AT ALL, a morning person so i fell asleep right after the phone call and woke up an hour later. That and plus, my head getting tampered with an endless stream of unwanted thoughts. Somehow they keep managing to enter through the tiniest holes. Getting trapped in an eternity of what seemed like parked cars in traffic and a hungry stomach begging for food almost took it's toll and i could have joined in but oh well papel, i had to put the fire out.

- - - - -

I will be back to apartment hunting this week. Forever sighing for expensive yet tiny apartments. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. What more, i'm doing the inevitable conceding of letting feelings, both positive and negative saturate themselves by giving them a nod. What's new. Typical me. One minute i'm happy, excited, anxious then the next second i'm afraid, hazy, insecure until i'm left with nothing but uncertainty and not knowing what to feel. I am anticipating. I am uneasy. I could use one of them songs about that girl being hot and cold and happy and sad. Setting aside my worries for now, chin up miss.

mind sabotage

A few weeks after my birthday and the thought of being 22 slowly started sinking in. I admire people who aren't afraid to take a leap and live without worries, or at least not let their worries totally destroy themselves. The most interesting people for me are the ones who are deranged and strange and curious. I slept most of the time today, roughly escaping the current grim reality through brief shuteyes. This is where my fondness for wandering comes in. At least when i'm far away, i get to forget the things that makes me mad and paranoid and futile, ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And i focus on making the most out of what life has to offer and that regrets are only life lessons learned, even if sometimes, the hard way.

When i started blogging, i was just solely tippy tappy typing in great details of what has happened in my day, sometimes in bullets. Some entries from my diary when i was 9 mostly consists of melancholic telling of how i feel when my mom flies in and out the country for work, how i got scolded for crying when someone teases me and how wearing a new dress made me feel beautiful. All those in a silly handwriting and my 9 yr old signature at the end. Now, i (try to) write deeper and express further. Turning my memories into poetry or prose is demanding but i like that doing so, it strips me down to nakedness. And then i slowly comply... slowly adjust,,, slowly adapt... that life for me won't happen if i don't make it happen. And that i won't get to write and tell and share stories if i stay motionless and buried in my own insecurities. 

So even when diffidence and confusion and all kinds of destroying feelings show up hand in hand, i will still be taking steps en route to life. It will be one hell of a journey but i will not forget to write and remember.

And i will not forget to live,

foggy mountains, laguna, aug 2014

new *pretty* footwear

my own fluffy pup slash bear, booey